misaligned.net

Lie of the Day #1228

Fweeb — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 05:01:29 +0000

Excessive exposure to strawberries can cause the growth of additional fingers… from your shoulders.

Lie of the Day #1227

Fweeb — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 05:01:25 +0000

If you pinch your elbow skin and it doesn’t return to its original shape after you’ve released it, that means one thing: you have 16 hours to live.

Lie of the Day #1226

Fweeb — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 05:01:54 +0000

By mixing a 60/40 combination of vinegar and battery acid with a touch of red food coloring and pouring that mixture into a spray bottle, you can create a device that temporarily endows any inanimate object with sentient behavior.

Lie of the Day #1225

Fweeb — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 05:01:27 +0000

Bigfoot exists. However, he’s not the man-ape missing link that he’s been portrayed as. Bigfoot is actually a biomechanical robot sent from the future to battle the great northern chupacabra, another time-traveling biomechanoid. Unfortunately, Bigfoot was sent too far into the past and his rusty exterior has since covered in moss and algae as he waits through the centuries for his nemesis to appear.

Lie of the Day #1224

Fweeb — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 05:01:43 +0000

Due to a relatively innocent sorting mistake in the Bureau of Biological Naming, what we now refer to as meerkats were originally supposed to be called muskrats (and vice versa). Of course, most errors at the Bureau are caught early on. Although examples like this and the fact that chipmunks were nearly classified as “paste” reveal the fact that the Department of Rodents is having issues with staffing competency.

Lie of the Day #1223

Fweeb — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 05:01:15 +0000

Cream cheese is the chemical base for most plastics.

Lie of the Day #1222

Fweeb — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 05:01:05 +0000

Gasoline isn’t combustible. It is, however, the only chemical known to have any emotions… and it only has one. It’s angry – very, very angry. The energy generated from that anger is what powers your car (or your chainsaw).

Lie of the Day #1221

Fweeb — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 05:01:29 +0000

Contrary to popular belief, it’s not symmetry that humans find attractive when evaluating the appearance of others. It’s teeth-size. The larger a person’s teeth are, the more they are considered beautiful by society.

Lie of the Day #1220

Fweeb — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 05:01:03 +0000

It’s a common misconception that domesticated spider monkeys wear vests just to make them cute and approachable. This is wholly untrue. The vests, though endearing, actually amplify the mental acuity of the monkeys, making them far more masterful thieves.

Lie of the Day #1219

Fweeb — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 05:01:48 +0000

In southern Greenland, the indigenous people have the unique ability to numerically quantify their feelings and emotions. Each of their feelings can be expressed as the sum of squaring two or more prime numbers.

Lie of the Day #1218

Fweeb — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 05:01:25 +0000

Styrofoam coffee cups are actually ferociously carnivorous beasts. The reason they don’t attack you and gnaw your face off is because they’re heavily sedated and have been chemically forced to their dormant state. However, if you let coffee sit in one of these cups for too long, the stimulating effects of caffeine will rouse it. This is where you need to be careful. Freshly awakened coffee cups are quite hungry and angry… very angry.

Lie of the Day #1217

Fweeb — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 05:01:42 +0000

Before DVDs, CDs, and LaserDiscs, there was a disk-based media format composed entirely of living material. Specifically, it was a disk-shaped skin graft and you played its stored media by chewing on it. The technology ultimately failed because its designers wanted to market the disks as “multimedia pork rinds.” Executives thought this was disingenuous because the grafts were actually cultured from skin of sewer rats and they were fearful of the liabilities of false advertising.

Lie of the Day #1216

Fweeb — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 05:01:35 +0000

Eating sugar causes you to lose control over your senses. In fact, if you consume enough sugar everything will taste like rusty nails dipped into a mixture of tomato paste and sulfur… and all mammals will appear to have Abraham Lincoln’s face.

Lie of the Day #1215

Fweeb — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 05:01:50 +0000

Until just last week, there was very little consensus among scholars about the proper pronunciation for the word “gallon”. They’ve now all agreed that the second ‘l’ is silent.

Lie of the Day #1214

Fweeb — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 05:01:26 +0000

“Toast” is the only word in the English language that can be used as any of the various parts of speech. The only other word that comes close to this level of wide dispersion is the word, “dude.”